Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
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If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance