My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
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An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
meanwhile over on facebook
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.