@Average_Dad1

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

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@SteveSuckington

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

@WilliamAder

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space

Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later

@maybetomhanks

god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go

@edgarrants

I SCREAM

YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!

@UncleDuke1969

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

@JohnLyonTweets

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

@Grabnpuss

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

@UnFitz

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

@samalmightysam

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.