@SteveSuckington
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
@Average_Dad1
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
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@SteveSuckington
@WilliamAder
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
@PleaseBeGneiss
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
@maybetomhanks
god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go
@edgarrants
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
@UncleDuke1969
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
@JohnLyonTweets
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
@Grabnpuss
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
@UnFitz
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
@samalmightysam
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.