My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
You Might Also Like
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
$4 #usedbooks
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.