My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
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“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*