@theshantilly

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

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@better_off_dad

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

@Playing_Dad

No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing

@stevevsninjas

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

@toomanycommas3

Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.

@AmishPornStar1

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

@MarlaCaceres

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

@THEDUTHCHESS

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

@itsallbollocks

still don’t understand why gyms pay for electricity when they could convert the exercise machines into mini generators

@DaddyJew

I haven’t talked to a single member of my family since the great monopoly battle of ’06. So yea, I know a thing or 2 about holding a grudge.

@pearlykim

* wants all the family space to herself

* grabs remote; selects a musical that is at least 40 years old

(Hmmmmm they haven’t left yet)

* belts out lyrics along with musical

* dances across rug

* relaxes onto recently-vacated couch