My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

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Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.


No sign has ever encapsulated my life more than the one this woman is wearing


[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.


Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.


Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”


Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.


Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.


still don’t understand why gyms pay for electricity when they could convert the exercise machines into mini generators


I haven’t talked to a single member of my family since the great monopoly battle of ’06. So yea, I know a thing or 2 about holding a grudge.


* wants all the family space to herself

* grabs remote; selects a musical that is at least 40 years old

(Hmmmmm they haven’t left yet)

* belts out lyrics along with musical

* dances across rug

* relaxes onto recently-vacated couch