@theshantilly

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

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@stevevsninjas

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

@robfee

I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they’re such big fans but probably can’t even name 3 of his songs.

@RodLacroix

One good thing about being sedentary for this long is that the life expectancy of my socks has tripled.

@HALFniteStand

When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee

@funnyordie

The Walking Dead or the Grammys. Do you watch the bloodthirsty monsters ready to eat each other to survive or do you go with Walking Dead?

@daisysunshine90

I need a man, not a boy. They will have much more structurally sound ideas for me to bypass the lava floor and make it to the blanket fort.

@dave_cactus

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

@FredTaming

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

@_troyjohnson

Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it’s okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.