My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

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Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.


Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!


*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*


[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency


I occasionally sew religious clothing but I’d never make a habit of it.


ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):


I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.


[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”


I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.