Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Don’t panic. Keanu Reeves is going to put on a sick leather coat and save us all any minute now
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Amazingly, this sentence contains all letters of the alphabet djkquvwxz
Officer: Do you know you have a blinker out?
Me: Yes, officer.
Officer: When did you plan on getting that fixed?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars