My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
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[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Coffee for people with no kids
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going