@TheCiscoKidder

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

You Might Also Like

@KaRaRacn75

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

@Fact

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

@swimmingcatspa

Don’t panic. Keanu Reeves is going to put on a sick leather coat and save us all any minute now

@McGrumpenstein

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

@RealGorillaNips

Officer: Do you know you have a blinker out?

Me: Yes, officer.

Officer: When did you plan on getting that fixed?

Me: 2005

@ericonederful

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

@Disneyland2go

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

@seancehat

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

@HrBry

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars