How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
You Might Also Like
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
August 8
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
S M O L
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
meanwhile over on facebook