I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.
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oh you like history? name everything that’s happened
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”
It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!