My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
You Might Also Like
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Coffee for people with no kids
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Software Development ⛵️
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy