I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
inside you are two wolves
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
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Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
they really do be looking like this
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
How do dragons blow out candles?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.