My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we’ve both been awake since January 14, 2013.

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I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.


GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?


My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.


I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great


Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.


First rule of Thesaurus Club: You do not talk, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, or converse about Thesaurus Club.


Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet


I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.


Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP