My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
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They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane