My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
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Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
This a good idea
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
The options really are this bad
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Teach your children to beatbox
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.