My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
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It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
The point of your 20s
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!