My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

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P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.


Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.


I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.


Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.


Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.


Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?


(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn


I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.


*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”


Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok