My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
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Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.