My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
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[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Wait for it
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.