Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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[ok, don’t let her know you’re a t-rex]
Her: I absolutely love it when guys open the car door for me
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Oh, this is awkward
What i meant…
When I said i was looking for a big dog person was..
Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”