@pauleggleston

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

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@EndhooS

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

@LaziestCanine

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a t-rex]

Her: I absolutely love it when guys open the car door for me

Me: Shit.

@steeve_again

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

@lmwortho

I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.

@bourgeoisalien

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

@athleisure_monk

[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

@inanimatecorpse

Blind date.

Oh, this is awkward

Chewbacca:

What i meant…

Chewbacca:

When I said i was looking for a big dog person was..

Chewbacca:

@themcgillicutty

Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.

@daemonic3

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”