My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
😂😂😂
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”