Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Me: What? *click*