“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”