@seamussaid

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

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@cpabry

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

@ObscureGent

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

@e4moji

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

@SamGrittner

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

@outsmartedmommy

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

@AtticusFinch79

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

@MarfSalvador

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!