@joeljeffrey

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

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@Halbeerz

“So You’ve Been Drinking and Think You Can Dance” now that’s a reality show I would watch.

@mrjohndarby

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

@KalvinMacleod

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

@BuckyIsotope

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

@SondraDeeMe

Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.

@Browtweaten

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

@MarfSalvador

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

@robots_feel

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no