@joeljeffrey: My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
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@daddydoubts: My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
@captainkalvis: friend: so, things are going well? Girlfriend: he’s so sweet [she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower] Girlfriend: but sometimes I just- [she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]
@drewjanda: It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers' houses and made women try on a shoe I found
@deardilettante: The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.