My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.


facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces


How to put on deodorant:
1. Apply deodorant.
2. Wait two seconds.
3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant.
4. Reapply deodorant.


CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?


Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come


*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance


Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.


what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????