@BradBroaddus

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

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@causticbob

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.

@snmrrw

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

@AbbyHasIssues

How to put on deodorant:
1. Apply deodorant.
2. Wait two seconds.
3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant.
4. Reapply deodorant.

@DrakeGatsby

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

@weinerdog4life

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

@tastefactory

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

@Elizasoul80

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????