@mckaycoppins

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

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@lexxluthaa

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

@GoldenSpirals

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

@Prof_Hinkley

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

@GreenishDuck

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

@Erma_H_Gersh

9: “Mom, that’s a pretty necklace. Can I have it?”
Me: “No, I got it as a gift.”
9: “Well, can I have it when you die, then?”

@djdarrellripley

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

@WheelTod

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

@iamspacegirl

Spent a pretty long time watching the cat next door lounge in the grass before I realized he was a skateboard.