Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
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“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
just left a huge legacy in there
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
#parenting
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
#damn
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.