This is my brand.
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Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what