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@timdonakowski: My wife and I got into an argument.
And now I'm gonna do these dishes so hard.
@MauriceBlitz: I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
@ruinedpicnic: me: honey, I'm home!
girlfriend: (from bedroom) oh yeah harder
me: if you say so
@WheelTod: If I was on death row I'd request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn't be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
@DirtyTalkBooks: If McDonald's was smart they'd serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
@dumbbeezie: Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute