@LeonInNewJersey

My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.

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@thesulk

I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”

@Brampersandon_

DAD: u can grow up to be anything u want
ME: imma be a hamster
D: ok not that
M: *already building an elaborate series of tubes to run thru*

@DoucheMcBaggus

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

@Mindless4Miles

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

@fishbowel

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

@UnFitz

Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?

Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.

Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.

Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.

@SteveKoehler22

Top five movies that could
easily have been about @ ‘ers :

-Alien
-Psycho
-Raging Bull
-Close Encounters
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest