I think Sandra Bullock chooses movies based solely on the number of times she can say “Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!”
My wife and I had sex on her decorative pillows and blankets. We were in the throws of passion.
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DAD: u can grow up to be anything u want
ME: imma be a hamster
D: ok not that
M: *already building an elaborate series of tubes to run thru*
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Marriage is the worst fight or flight simulation ever
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?
Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.
Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.
Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.
Top five movies that could
easily have been about @ ‘ers :
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me