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While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Perfection.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”