My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
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Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Jail
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis