My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
You Might Also Like
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.