it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing
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My dad refused to dance at his own wedding.
Anyway this is quarantine day 5
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”