@matt_simpson84

My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing

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@fat_sket

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

@weenbeans

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

@jonnysun

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

@hazelmotes1

Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn’t she?

@ObscureGent

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

@naughtywriter2

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

@SortaBad

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

@GrowlyGrego

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”