@samfromks

My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it’d probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

You Might Also Like

@belleykell

It takes me roughly 7 secs into an episode of House Hunters to discover that my pure hatred of strangers still exists

@modestjune

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

@Fab_Mommy_

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”gingerfaced”;s:5:”image”;s:98:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/344513261568426631/e31fd3ca39dbd4f09de281d9a332a202_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”348116839743750144″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”58″;s:5:”tweet”;s:123:”*walks in with a bottle of aspirin, hands it to girl*

Her: I don’t have a headache.

Me: alright then, we can fool around.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@JKickinit30

[hiding in the bushes]

Me:*whispering*they can’t see me

Cops: Sir. Your light up shoes are still flashing.

@NikkiNeverAgain

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

@DrCephalopod

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

@selenamua_

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

@FrizerkaSandra

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.