My wife and I have been dieting together for a week so it’d probably be safer for me to come home smelling like perfume than a Snickers bar.

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I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”


Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.


doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air


dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough


I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon


How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”


7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy?
Me: 7 years
7y: how long have you got left?


*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat


Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.


Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.