My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this