My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
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“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!