My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.