My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*


Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up


Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories

The library

(My 6yo told me to tweet this)


How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?


“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*


the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.

one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history


[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]


*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead*
If you’re here then..
[cut to kid bursting through a wall like ‘oh yeah’]