My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

You Might Also Like


ME: Do you think if El Salvador stopped being a country, god would make a country called El Salvawindow

UBER DRIVER: This ride is free if you stop talking


1) Rich people make money
2) It “trickles down” to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals


The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s


The person sleeping next to you is statistically more likely to murder you than any other person on the entire planet. Do the dishes.


Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”


SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.


brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys


I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner


Sneaking up on me from behind while I’m doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife


Instead of a post-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.