@Henry_3k

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

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@sixfootcandy

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

@JPLFR80

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

@WeissBrandon

Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories

The library

(My 6yo told me to tweet this)

@Izianikapani

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

@shadygrenade

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

@platinumjones

the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.

one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history

@GrantTanaka

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

@ibid78

*opens car door to drop kid off at school & sees kool aid instead*
If you’re here then..
[cut to kid bursting through a wall like ‘oh yeah’]