My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.