@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

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@UncleDuke1969

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

@Parkerlawyer

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

@lisaxy424

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

@curlycomedy

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

@Thynebear

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

@NerishaLakha

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

@Breadery

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

@dave_cactus

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.