My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑