@daddydoubts

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

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@dxblarssonENG

Job interview: ” if you want the job lick the floor”
-what?
-lick the floor if you want the job
*licks floor*
Eww gross, can’t hire that guy

@UncleDuke1969

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

@Brampersandon_

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

@rorynotroy

if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy

@ZiziFothSi

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

@iamMunga

The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.

@LizerReal

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

@cloudcm

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

@Kali_Mura

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable