@torrami
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
@daddydoubts
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
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@torrami
@BoogTweets
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
@candace_9871
Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.
@zachheltzel
Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don’t understand.
@QwertyJones3
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
@michaelianblack
Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn’t mean I’m going to do it again. You’re coming across as desperate.
@MariyaAlexander
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
@mejustbeth
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
@robdelaney
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
@jtswhipped
You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.