My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

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Job interview: ” if you want the job lick the floor”
-lick the floor if you want the job
*licks floor*
Eww gross, can’t hire that guy


Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.


Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…


if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy


Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall


The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.


husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes


If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.


Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.


THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable