@daddydoubts

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

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@torrami

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

@BoogTweets

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

@candace_9871

Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.

@zachheltzel

Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don’t understand.

@QwertyJones3

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

@michaelianblack

Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn’t mean I’m going to do it again. You’re coming across as desperate.

@MariyaAlexander

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

@mejustbeth

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

@robdelaney

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

@jtswhipped

You know what I love about having kids? Not having them.