My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied


Her: Let’s read your horoscope… Do you believe in astrology?

Me: No. That’s such a scam. Well, at least that’s what my psychic says.


Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.


A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.


A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture


me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now


My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.


Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.