My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I don’t think my car can fly
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!