My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
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[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.