@karanbirtinna

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

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@primawesome

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

@Sal0630

Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher?

Me: Yup

*girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

@decentbirthday

[waking up after car crash]

Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes

@nice_mustard

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

@nerdreign

I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets.

Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million.

Kids, don’t stay in school.

@WilliamAder

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

@XplodingUnicorn

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

@Diane_7A

The closest I’ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.

@Spaziotwat

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

@StruggleDisplay

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”