My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
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Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.