My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
You Might Also Like
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.