If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.