My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

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ME: What’s wrong?
WIFI: You’re obsessed with the internet
ME: Give me one example
WIFI: Look how you’ve spelled wife


Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: nah

Cop: please take off your sombrero


This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.


The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.


People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.


I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.


Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!


My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.


I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.


Me: Kensington, fetch me my robe.

K: You sold your robe and everything else you own so you could afford a butler.

Me: Hold me, Kensington.