@JKNenagh

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

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@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong?
WIFI: You’re obsessed with the internet
ME: Give me one example
WIFI: Look how you’ve spelled wife

@DaddyJew

Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: nah

Cop: please take off your sombrero

@emmafreud

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

@markhoppus

The salon where my wife is getting her hair cut has a copy of Playboy on the magazine table. I feel like this is test.

@_sleepysmile

People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.

@Milariou

I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

@Kids_kubed

Husband’s Last Words

I should start inviting people over more often so that the house can stay this clean!

@geraintgriffith

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

@Mothpete

I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

@seandunn76

Me: Kensington, fetch me my robe.

K: You sold your robe and everything else you own so you could afford a butler.

Me: Hold me, Kensington.