My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Inside you there are two wolves
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”