Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
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4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules