Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment