My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Carpe DM
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist