My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
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[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.