My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
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So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
No. He’s not coming out to play
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.