If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I put the mess in domestic.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft