@Mostly_Cheese: My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@leshnevsky: Today I played dead with my 5yo nephew. He cried for 5 seconds, then grabbed my iPhone and run away.
@briangaar: Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they're just sobbing "thank you"
@PJTLynch: [At bar] Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now M: Right...sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants #BT140
@meaganbb1: I like when I wear my glasses because then I have four-eyes I can roll at your ridiculousness!