My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
You Might Also Like
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My favorite farside!!
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one