My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
You Might Also Like
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.