My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes