My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras