My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
no one likes gloating
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.