My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My plans: 2020:
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Bootstraps
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.