Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
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“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.